Communication Between Client and Agency

Social work is fundamentally dependent on communication, and it is out of necessity, at least a two-way process. Social workers need to support people and to ensure that their behavior, words and tone remain supportive while clients, in order to have the healthiest experience, need to begin the journey by understanding the importance of healthy communication between a client and their adoption agency.

Communication is affected by our emotions, and because adoption is an emotionally charged process, reactive emotions can interfere with our ability to clearly communicate our needs, thoughts, words, and certainly it affects our ability to hear what is being said to us. However, if we become aware of these challenges and realize that stress, whether positive or negative, affects our ability to communicate, then we can develop a genuine understanding regarding the importance of developing a rapport with your social worker.

Communication is a reality when entering the world of adoption. You are required to communicate your feelings, thoughts and desires, even hopes and dreams. You need to be able to share with your significant other and family members and gage how they feel and even learn to compromise. You need to divulge deeply personal information and be open to learning new information and providing answers to questions that you may not even thought about before. You meet people called social workers or other adoption professionals and need to discuss and answer while being honest, and somehow feeling comfortable! It is a great deal to ask, at the same time if you stay focused on the process being in the best interest of a child, rather than an intrusive one, rather than one we “have to get through” rather than it being tied to regulations, you may begin to feel more comfortable. Keeping an open mind, being positive and flexible often allows communicating to become more natural.

Every personality is different. Some are more comfortable communicating verbally, others through written word and others via face-to-face interaction. Realizing that communication involves body and soul, Adoption STAR does its best to communicate information via individualized time, meetings as a couple, group work, telephone, sharing of articles and blog posts, and other electronic communication sources, Twitter, Facebook, including social media.

For social workers in demanding fields like ours, coupled with the need to problems solve and provide extensive information to clients is more doable when the keystone to our work is education and we realize that the information we are sharing is new. A social worker’s communication strength is active listening even with clients who may struggle to articulate their experiences.

Here are some ways clients can be assisted in their ability to communicate with their adoption agency:

  1.   Realizing up front that their relationship with their adoption agency and staff must be one of complete candor.

  2.   Realizing that they need to keep the agency informed of anything that may their ability to communicate or adopt, including, but not limited to: change in address, changes in physical, medical and/or emotional health or condition; becoming matched with an expectant parent or child via another agency or attorney, or becoming pregnant.

  3.   Realizing that e-mail may not be the best way to communicate information that should otherwise be discussed.

At Adoption STAR we appreciate that both the decision to adopt and the process of adoption can be difficult for many individuals and families. The adoption process is very often filled with moments of hope, as well as moments of disappointment. Applicants who view the process as discouraging or have an overall negative view of the process are more likely to feel unhappy and unsuccessful in the program. Planning for the possibility that plans will change is a key element to keeping calm and stress free while going through the adoption process. Applicants who remain optimistic and view the adoption process as a journey filled with learning experiences are more apt to feeling happy and successful in the program.

Developing trust of the process and especially with those you have chosen to work with will no doubt make your journey more positive.

Below you will find additional links related to communication:

• Non Violent Communication Skills.
• How To Address Adoption with Grandparents.
• Communication with Waiting Families.
• We believe in the sharing of honest and helpful communication. We view our relationship with our clients as life-long, just like parenthood.
• Adoption and Social Media: Recommendation for Healthy Ongoing Communication.

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

Repost: Christian’s Story: An Airman’s Experience with Transracial Adoption

In honor of “National Military Appreciation Month” we are reposting Christian’s Story from January 7, 2013.

The new year always brings me a sense of renewed spirit and the opportunity to discover great new experiences in my life. This of course happens with reflection on experiences from the passed. I am very blessed coming into the new year. I have a loving and supportive family, both adopted and birth. I have a diverse and wonderful circle of friends all over world. I am honored to serve my country and have been awarded the Air Force Commendation Medal and Airman of the Year for my wing. The past six years of my life have been profound and meaningful. A lot of this coincides with my relationship with Adoption STAR.

For those of you that don’t know my life, I was trans-racially adopted in 1977. I was three years old at the time. My brothers, one older and one younger, are biological to my parents. I never remember being told I was adopted. It is something I have always known. The extended family received me well with some minor adjustments mainly in the political correctness department. My memories growing up are of loving relatives who treated me as one of their own. My parents were good about advocating me when people would discriminate. Being pioneers of trans-racial adoption, there was a lot my parents didn’t know, but that’s ok. They did well as parents and were never intimidated by my biological history. They freely offered the limited information about my birth parents to me and even offered to do a search when I was a teenager. At the time, I thought I had no interest. I will explain this later on.

In 2005, a friend came to the area to make an adoption plan for her unborn baby with Adoption STAR. I shared my perspective as an adoptee and supported her in her decision. I even met the adopting family as well. Although she was strong in her decision to place, it of course was an emotional experience for her. Seeing this prompted me to understand what my birth mother went through with me. I made the decision to connect with my birth family and began a search. With the support of STAR I moved forward and within months had located my birth mothers family. My birth mother, Constance, had passed away the year before and was survived by no other children. My mother, Diane thought it would be a comfort for the family to know a piece of their beloved was alive and well. Constance was survived by her parents, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews. I boldly moved forward and initiated contact. I am pleased to say I have a great relationship with my birth family to this day.

Having my adoption life come full circle has been enlightening. Many unanswered questions and curiosities have been satisfied. I do however, see the continued need for adoption education and outreach. Being a volunteer in the adoption world, I am sensitive to how the world perceives adoption. Unfortunately, stories like mine never make the media. No drama, just a classic happy ending. If a crime is committed by an adoptee, the media never fails to mention so. In the movie Avengers, Thor responds with “He’s adopted” when commenting on his brother’s crime. Now don’t get me wrong, these things don’t personally offend me. It just shows the need for me to share my life and experiences to help diminish negative stereotypes.

I am reminded of my friend Mike who I met on my last deployment. He is an adoptee and would randomly tell strangers about his birth family. Understanding his need to share his story, I opened the conversation and we shared. He told me about when his parents told him he was adopted and what he felt at the time. He also told me about his search and reunion and what a positive experience it was. I did share my concern with him about who he discloses his adoption story to. Sharing his story with people that don’t understand adoption runs the risk of having to endure insensitive and sometimes rude comments. I have always had a thicker skin and being transracially adopted, the situation was exposed for public scrutiny. Thankfully I had wise, supportive and loving parents to guide me through the rapids. My friend and I did support each other as adoptees and strengthened my belief that commonality heals all. Only people that share our experiences truly understand what it is we go through. In the New Year, join me in my resolution to further adoption Support, Training, Advocacy and Resources.

Lets show the world the blessings that adoption can bring and advance understanding adoption.

Christian is a Senior Airman, (SrA) (E4) and will proudly put on Staff Sergeant (SSgt) uniform in February. He is a Grand Island resident, born in Rochester NY. He enlisted in the NY Air National guard in June 2008. He’s been deployed twice in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) and Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF). He’s an air cargo specialist, moving everyone and everything, everywhere. He earned an Associates in Applied Science in Transportation through the Community College of the Air Force and is currently a full-time student and a junior at Empire State College. His professional goals include helping veterans.

FOST-ADOPT STORY IN THE NEWS

Minnesota Supreme Court issues ruling in controversial foster care adoption case.

On March 28 the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported the end to a foster care – adoption custody battle that lasted two years and spanned two states.

Two little girls with special needs were placed in foster care with a couple named Steven and Liv Grosser. Parental rights were terminated and the couple agreed to adopt the sisters.

Unexpectedly the girls’ birth grandparents in another state intervened. The county decided against moving the girls to their grandparents and the adoption with the Grosser’s was finalized.

The grandparents appealed however the Minnesota Supreme Court’s ruling stated, “although relatives should be considered first when they request to adopt children, it doesn’t necessarily mean they should be given preference when it comes to determining the best interests of a child.”

Read More About Foster Care:

May is Foster Care Month!, A Foster Family’s Story, Florida Foster Care Bill Passed, 5 Myths About Foster Care

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?

By the Staff of Adoption STAR

The agency’s most important daily job is to find families for children. Even though this is often stated, it is probably the most misunderstood statement. The job of a reputable agency is not to find children for families, but families for children.

When an individual/couple registers with an agency and obtains a home study, they are paying for a service: an adoption home study. There is never a guarantee that a child will be referred to them. No one can be “hired” to “find” someone a child. That sounds scary for a number of reasons especially if you are someone who is hoping to adopt. You might not be able to imagine that the adoption process works. Will you ever adopt? Let us preface this by saying clearly, if you stick with the process, you will adopt! The hard part is that we don’t know when. But none of us would be in the adoption field if we didn’t see it work and believe that it does work. You are meant to be a parent. Perhaps your baby has not yet been born yet. Staying positive and working with your adoption agency is the key to reaching your goal of adoptive parenthood.

We thought it might be interesting to learn about the “differences” between prospective adoptive parents as no one client is the same as another. No two prospective adoptive parents are alike and our illustrations cannot include everyone, but the idea is for you to determine, “What type of prospective parent are you?”

One type of prospective adoptive parent takes our advice to heart: Adoption is a journey that requires you to participate and believe in. These clients may have already handed in their profile for expectant parents to consider even before their home study is complete! They frequently “tweak” their profile whether or not it is suggested. They are excited to hear about other options to creatively present themselves to birth mothers such as preparing a DVD which allows them to have their profile “come alive” with music, photos, video and graphics. They may post their profile online, create “baby cards” and hand them to everyone they meet telling them they are looking to adopt! They also revisit their grids frequently and challenge themselves with hard questions related to a child’s race or ethnicity, drug exposure, mental health issues within the child’s birth family, etc. They do their own homework by way of talking to other adoptive families, speaking to a pediatrician, etc. They may chat on the online group and even more importantly they join SOFIA, the adoptive family support group and meet many new friends. “They” will tell you that the wait is not easy, but taking control makes the process all the more special.

Another type of expectant adoptive parent does much of the above but also finds a hobby or projects that they can work on before they become parents. One adoptive mom found great enjoyment in knitting and during her “nesting period” created many beautiful blankets and donated them to babies being placed for adoption. Several other adoptive moms spent their “before parenthood period” volunteering to help spread the word about the agency by disseminating literature around their community to doctor’s offices, clinics, schools, etc. One couple trained for a marathon together, using the act as a metaphor for the adoption journey. Prospective moms and dads can also work together on household projects needing to get completed. “They” will tell you that throwing themselves into projects that required planning and energy during the adoption process, made them feel healthy and ready for parenthood even thought they didn’t know when it would be.

Another type of prospective adoptive parent may not have handed in their profile yet though they are home study approved or haven’t tweaked their profile if it has been suggested. They have not connected with other adoptive families or the support groups available. Sometimes they are slow to respond to agency messages and may be reluctant to process other options that might enhance their opportunities for child placement. “They” may be experiencing other issues that they have not yet shared with the agency and feel more overwhelmed about the process.

No matter the level of involvement with the agency or the process it is simply not healthy to just wait for the phone to ring (waiting for what many refer to as “the call”). Actively participating in your adoption journey is the way to go! It is not always easy, but in the long run it is worth it. We find “healthier” and “more prepared” adoptive parents when the prospective adopter takes control of their adoption path. Several articles have been written about this time in your life.

For those of you still overwhelmed by this process or the thought of it, we would recommend no longer thinking of yourself as a “waiting” parent, but rather a “prospective” parent. With this change, perhaps you can begin to view yourself as an active participant in becoming a parent. Take these examples to best understand our meaning:

If you were looking for a new job, you will need to “tweak” your resume, you will need to prepare yourself for interviews that may include research, continued education, etc. Or perhaps you want to lose weight. What do you need to do? I know we don’t really want to know what to do but the answer is we need to actively work on it. We need to be aware and educated about nutrition and calories and most importantly exercise. Weight loss won’t just happen on it’s own. We need to go out and reach that goal for ourselves. Planning to become a parent is quite similar.

It is our hope that this article will inspire you to really get involved in your adoption journey. To believe in adoption and to understand that by having a home study does not mean you will receive an immediate placement, but rather view it as your ticket to get more involved in the process. Work with us! We will give you many ideas and tasks if you are interested. Additionally, Adoption STAR has published 25 ways to handle the “wait” and hope you will take the time to review it and perhaps add to it!

We also understand that this article may frustrate you! We have no desire to upset you or discourage you in the least. However if you feel this way, please examine why you are feeling this way? Yes, you have been through a lot. You most likely have experienced several losses already. We have clients who have miscarried or have had children pass away. Perhaps you have had several “almost adoptions” but the match fell through before placement. These losses are great. These losses cannot be easily healed.

By now your life experiences have probably taught you that it is up to you to look ahead and feel excited about the adoption process. It is crucial to view the bumps in the journey as part of the learning curve and to continue to believe and participate in the process.

Adoption STAR appreciates that both the decision to adopt and the process of adoption can be difficult for many individuals and families. The adoption process is very often filled with moments of hope, as well as moments of disappointment. Applicants who view the process as discouraging or have an overall negative view of the process are more likely to feel unhappy and unsuccessful in the program. Planning for the possibility that plans will change is a key element to keeping calm and stress free while going through the adoption process. Applicants who remain optimistic and view the adoption process as a journey filled with learning experiences are more apt to feeling happy and successful in the program. Please reach out to us if you feel you need more support!

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

Considering the Adoption of Black Infants

There are more than 400,000 children presently in out-of-home care in the United States. Almost half of these children are Black.

Many Black children remain in foster care or residential care facilities because there are not enough families seeking to adopt them. Black children are expected to remain in foster care 32 percent longer than white children. There remains a need to identify couples and singles to adopt infants at-risk for entering the foster care system.

Father George Clements, an African American priest, who is also an adoptive parent, had a simple concept called One Church, One Child. If every church would support the adoption of at least one child, then Black children would not spend one third of their formative years growing up in the Child Welfare system.

While raising a child within his race and culture is preferred, it is not always possible. Today many prospective adoptive couples and singles are considering transracial adoption. Certainly, no one should enter transracial adoption lightly or adopt transracially because they believe it will expedite an arrival of a baby, as the decision to adopt transracially is a very serious one.

Children should be raised in permanent loving families. If the prospective adoptive applicant indicates they are open to adopting a child outside of the applicant’s race and culture, Adoption STAR will consider the applicant for all children, not just for bi-racial children or children of mixed race. What does this mean? To illustrate the meaning: if a white couple is seeking to adopt transracially they should be open to adopting a child of all races, including a child with two black birth parents, not just an infant whose birth mother may be white and whose birth father may be black.

For more information on the adoption of Black infants or to consider learning more about transracial adoption, please contact Adoption STAR by or email.

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

My Real Family

Guest Blogger, Zenobia, Age 13.

Throughout my 13 years of living I have come across many questions such as… “How many real siblings do you have?” or “Do you get along with your real siblings better?” It’s really hurtful sometimes. All of my siblings are my “real” siblings. Who cares if some are black, gay, or have disabilities. They are all real to me. If I ever tell someone I have a gay brother they look at me like…I’m so sorry. My family is a normal family…okay? Yes I do have five adopted siblings, two of them are black and 3 of them have a disability called Down Syndrome. I also have 3 Biological siblings, and including me we have nine kids in the family. No matter what happens or what is said I wouldn’t ever change a thing.

Some people may say, “How do you deal with people who act like this towards you?” I usually just act dumb, I’ll just say, “What do you mean? All of my siblings are real!” Their usual response will be, “You know what I mean.” But, no I don’t know what you mean! So next time you say something, think about it!

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

Birth Mother Celebration ’13: A Recap

At this year’s Birth Mother Celebration, my job was to take pictures and speak briefly about what open adoption means to me.

During Adoption STAR’s homestudy classes, facilitators ask prospective adoptive parents to share their “birth” stories, those stories that parents or relatives tell us because we were too young to remember. It’s a good lesson for prospective parents. Children often mature into the stories we tell them, especially stories of their beginnings.

My mother told me the story of a co-worker who moved to Buffalo because she was pregnant and had to hide her pregnancy from her friends and family in her hometown. She told no one the story of her relationship with the baby’s father or her personal circumstances. My mom said it was like she was mute. She delivered her baby girl around the same time my mother delivered me but she placed her baby for adoption. Fast forward a few weeks later and they were both at a party at a mutual friend’s home. My mother left me asleep on a bed. When she came in to check on me, her co-worker was sitting on the bed watching me sleep. She asked if she could hold me. With tears running down her face and her eyes full of grief, she picked me up, cuddled and rocked me.

Back then, adoption happened in a set and prescribed way, regardless of personal needs or feelings. My mom’s co-worker may or may not have been allowed to hold her baby for a few minutes before she was whisked away, never to be seen or heard from again. We’ve come a long way since then. The Birth Parent Celebration tells us just how far the process has evolved.

As the resident photographer, I went from table to table and witnessed very different scenarios than the one my mother shared with me. We have learned and accepted that there are many different ways to be a family: I saw a fashion forward gay couple who dressed their toddler in a frosted green dress to match the streak of green in her birth mother’s hair; one family requested a picture and I couldn’t tell who was and wasn’t genetically related; what I saw was a group of people at ease with each other. And there were the families like mine: the birth parents were a different race from the adoptive parents. I saw moms throw their arms around each other because when you love with everything you have, you see what you share, not what makes you different. A reporter from the Buffalo News snapped a picture of a birth mother and an adoptive mother helping each other put shoes on their son. There was a young adolescent birth couple whose tenderness toward each other and their infant son reminded me of something I would see in a movie; when it was time to feed him, the adoptive mother gently relieved them. Some birth mothers came with children they were raising to meet with families of children they had placed. The siblings played and wrestled and laughed and got to know one another. A birth grandmother met her granddaughter for the first time and cried with relief when she met the adoptive parents. The baby slept comfortably in her arms and her tears were tears of joy. Togetherness, openness and most importantly love has replaced secrecy, loneliness and shame. Open adoption has transformed the process. Birth mothers have courageously, selflessly and with great love changed our understanding of family.

My son’s birth mother hasn’t as yet joined us for this event. I think she likes it better when we meet one on one. Regardless, I will continue to attend with my adopted son Cal (15 months) and my biological son Sam (7 years). Sometime in the future when Sam tells his brother “birth” stories and the Birth Mother Celebration is the topic, I may hear:

“Every year mom and dad dragged us to this lunch even though your NeeNee (Cal’s birth mother) wasn’t there. Mom said it was important because a bunch of families who are just like ours come and we needed to be around that. Turned out, it wasn’t so bad. The pizza and brownies were great.”

And as for the pizza and brownies…thank you to Adoption STAR for hosting this amazing event. I feel fortunate to have found the agency that guides and supports all of us – Adoptees, Birth and Adoptive Parents – throughout our journey. In particular thank you to our Expectant Parent Social Workers Sue Shaw, Alecia Zimmerman along with Party Planner (which is one of her many, many other duties) Kristin Leiby and all those staff members who came out to support this event: Wendy, Senovia, Michael, Lori, Shannon, Rachel, and Meg. And Sue Reardon, great video! Most important, this is your vision, Michele…I am so thankful my family is part of the Adoption STAR landscape.

Birth Mother Celebration ’13

If you would like copies of any of the pictures you see here or on Facebook, please email me Lesa Ferguson at newmedia@adoptionstar.com and I will them as email attachments. Please specify the picture(s) you would like.

A Foster Family’s Story

Lynda is an Adoption STAR adoptive mom in the Western New York area. Currently she and her family are a foster family in the county they live in and are also pursuing an International Adoption.

“Three years ago, we began the foster program in hopes of walking out with a child we could adopt. Our cousins in Ohio went through the foster program, were matched with one family, and walked out adopting 3 children in that family. We loved their experience and hoped to have the same story. Little did we know then what we know now, 3 years and 8 foster children later.

We don’t know what the outcome will be for the baby with us now, just as we couldn’t predict with the ones before her. What we do know is that we are enjoying the reward of a relationship with her now. This on-going relationship with the family is a new arrangement to us, so we are going through some growing pains as we learn how to make it work. It is stretching us as a family, but it is also growing us in some beautiful ways.

As a foster family you learn just how much risk, attachment, personal advocating, and personal sacrificing you are willing to experience for children who may never be yours, but will own a piece of your heart. It is quite an emotional process, and comes with lots of frustrations, concerns, emotions, and risks for you, the foster family. And from our experience, this system and these dedicated social workers certainly deserve medals for their heroic and brave measures to change the futures of these children.

While these last 3 years have not taken us closer to our long-term goal: that of walking out with another permanent family member, but they have certainly taught our family valuable lessons. Some of the lessons we’ve learned are as follows: more compassion; more humility; more flexibility; more awareness that without God’s grace, we are able to fall to levels beyond what we can imagine; with God’s grace, we are able to experience a deeper level of joy that goes beyond the circumstances we are in; more teachable moments as a family because of the situations that have brought the children to our house; what it’s like for our family to serve as a team; more humor, especially in light of showing up to places with a different child each time. We’ve also learned more appreciation for all our family and friends who have helped us meet needs we’ve had with the different children in our home, etc.

As we continue along this journey we will continue to acknowledge the ways it’s brought positive growth in our family and so importantly impacted the life of the child who was part of us for a short time. While, it hasn’t brought us to our initial goal, it has brought us so much more than we could have imagined.

For now, we are in the habit of saying, “Yep, we run a boarding house now. Every week we have new tenants and new vacancies. So, in case you need a room someday, you know who to call.”

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

National Nurses Week 2013

Is celebrated annually from May 6, also known as National Nurses Day, through May 12, the birthday of Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing.

Nurses play an essential part in many aspects of the adoption process, especially during the hospital interval. The American Nurses’ Association Code of Ethics with Interpretive Statements (2001) Provision 1 says that, “The Nurse, in all professional relationships, practices with compassion and respect for the inherent dignity, worth and uniqueness of every individual, unrestricted by considerations of social or economic status, personal attributes, or the nature of health problems” (p. 7). However, as anyone can imagine, hospital-based nurses deal with some very distinctive experiences when adoption is a part of a patient’s plan. Suzanne M. Weathers, MSN, RN, and Lead Nurse Planner at Spaulding for Children has written an interesting piece on this subject entitled “The Hospital Interval,” and in it she says, “The challenge for the nursing staff is how to provide care that meets the needs of the members of the adoption triad they have contact with during the interval.”

Having that said, Adoption STAR staff and clients alike have countless stories of compassionate, sensitive, thoughtful nurses. The interactions that nurses have with all members of the adoption triad during labor, delivery, and the postpartum interval prior to discharge from the hospital become a storied part of the adoption experience, in that they are ALWAYS remembered….by all parties involved.

Thank you, nurses! Your kind actions and excellent care mean more than you might realize to many, many adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees. Happy National Nurses Week!

Read More on What is Happening at Adoption STAR: Our Calendar of Events for 2013

Surviving Mother’s Day

The month of May can be a very exciting time in our area. Gray skies give way to sunshine and each day brings new beauty as flowers begin to break through after a long cold winter. Buds on trees seem to blossom before your eyes and mornings are announced with the songs of birds returning home. It feels fresh; like a new beginning.

But for a few, May is not so beautiful. Not so celebrated. Not so welcomed. Because May brings “that day”. The day that reminds you of the things you do not have. Maybe the one thing you want more than anything else. The day in which you would rather lie in bed than go to church where ministers will certainly preach their predicable messages. The day where, though you love the mothers in your life, staying home would just be easier.

Whether you have lost your mom, lost your child, placed your child or simply don’t yet have your child, we realize that Mother’s Day may be difficult for many. As we celebrate the mothers and children in our lives, we at Adoption STAR grieve with those who are hurting. Please know you are not forgotten. Give yourself permission to feel and forgive yourself if you can’t participate in some of the events that come with Mother’s Day. Give yourself the day, or even the week, to mourn. Then get back up.

And if you find yourself in a good place this Mother’s Day, please reach out to someone who might be hurting. You may be surprised to learn how far a simple gesture and a little compassion can go.

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