What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?

By the Staff of Adoption STAR

The agency’s most important daily job is to find families for children. Even though this is often stated, it is probably the most misunderstood statement. The job of a reputable agency is not to find children for families, but families for children.

When an individual/couple registers with an agency and obtains a home study, they are paying for a service: an adoption home study. There is never a guarantee that a child will be referred to them. No one can be “hired” to “find” someone a child. That sounds scary for a number of reasons especially if you are someone who is hoping to adopt. You might not be able to imagine that the adoption process works. Will you ever adopt? Let us preface this by saying clearly, if you stick with the process, you will adopt! The hard part is that we don’t know when. But none of us would be in the adoption field if we didn’t see it work and believe that it does work. You are meant to be a parent. Perhaps your baby has not yet been born yet. Staying positive and working with your adoption agency is the key to reaching your goal of adoptive parenthood.

We thought it might be interesting to learn about the “differences” between prospective adoptive parents as no one client is the same as another. No two prospective adoptive parents are alike and our illustrations cannot include everyone, but the idea is for you to determine, “What type of prospective parent are you?”

One type of prospective adoptive parent takes our advice to heart: Adoption is a journey that requires you to participate and believe in. These clients may have already handed in their profile for expectant parents to consider even before their home study is complete! They frequently “tweak” their profile whether or not it is suggested. They are excited to hear about other options to creatively present themselves to birth mothers such as preparing a DVD which allows them to have their profile “come alive” with music, photos, video and graphics. They may post their profile online, create “baby cards” and hand them to everyone they meet telling them they are looking to adopt! They also revisit their grids frequently and challenge themselves with hard questions related to a child’s race or ethnicity, drug exposure, mental health issues within the child’s birth family, etc. They do their own homework by way of talking to other adoptive families, speaking to a pediatrician, etc. They may chat on the online group and even more importantly they join SOFIA, the adoptive family support group and meet many new friends. “They” will tell you that the wait is not easy, but taking control makes the process all the more special.

Another type of expectant adoptive parent does much of the above but also finds a hobby or projects that they can work on before they become parents. One adoptive mom found great enjoyment in knitting and during her “nesting period” created many beautiful blankets and donated them to babies being placed for adoption. Several other adoptive moms spent their “before parenthood period” volunteering to help spread the word about the agency by disseminating literature around their community to doctor’s offices, clinics, schools, etc. One couple trained for a marathon together, using the act as a metaphor for the adoption journey. Prospective moms and dads can also work together on household projects needing to get completed. “They” will tell you that throwing themselves into projects that required planning and energy during the adoption process, made them feel healthy and ready for parenthood even thought they didn’t know when it would be.

Another type of prospective adoptive parent may not have handed in their profile yet though they are home study approved or haven’t tweaked their profile if it has been suggested. They have not connected with other adoptive families or the support groups available. Sometimes they are slow to respond to agency messages and may be reluctant to process other options that might enhance their opportunities for child placement. “They” may be experiencing other issues that they have not yet shared with the agency and feel more overwhelmed about the process.

No matter the level of involvement with the agency or the process it is simply not healthy to just wait for the phone to ring (waiting for what many refer to as “the call”). Actively participating in your adoption journey is the way to go! It is not always easy, but in the long run it is worth it. We find “healthier” and “more prepared” adoptive parents when the prospective adopter takes control of their adoption path. Several articles have been written about this time in your life.

For those of you still overwhelmed by this process or the thought of it, we would recommend no longer thinking of yourself as a “waiting” parent, but rather a “prospective” parent. With this change, perhaps you can begin to view yourself as an active participant in becoming a parent. Take these examples to best understand our meaning:

If you were looking for a new job, you will need to “tweak” your resume, you will need to prepare yourself for interviews that may include research, continued education, etc. Or perhaps you want to lose weight. What do you need to do? I know we don’t really want to know what to do but the answer is we need to actively work on it. We need to be aware and educated about nutrition and calories and most importantly exercise. Weight loss won’t just happen on it’s own. We need to go out and reach that goal for ourselves. Planning to become a parent is quite similar.

It is our hope that this article will inspire you to really get involved in your adoption journey. To believe in adoption and to understand that by having a home study does not mean you will receive an immediate placement, but rather view it as your ticket to get more involved in the process. Work with us! We will give you many ideas and tasks if you are interested. Additionally, Adoption STAR has published 25 ways to handle the “wait” and hope you will take the time to review it and perhaps add to it!

We also understand that this article may frustrate you! We have no desire to upset you or discourage you in the least. However if you feel this way, please examine why you are feeling this way? Yes, you have been through a lot. You most likely have experienced several losses already. We have clients who have miscarried or have had children pass away. Perhaps you have had several “almost adoptions” but the match fell through before placement. These losses are great. These losses cannot be easily healed.

By now your life experiences have probably taught you that it is up to you to look ahead and feel excited about the adoption process. It is crucial to view the bumps in the journey as part of the learning curve and to continue to believe and participate in the process.

Adoption STAR appreciates that both the decision to adopt and the process of adoption can be difficult for many individuals and families. The adoption process is very often filled with moments of hope, as well as moments of disappointment. Applicants who view the process as discouraging or have an overall negative view of the process are more likely to feel unhappy and unsuccessful in the program. Planning for the possibility that plans will change is a key element to keeping calm and stress free while going through the adoption process. Applicants who remain optimistic and view the adoption process as a journey filled with learning experiences are more apt to feeling happy and successful in the program. Please reach out to us if you feel you need more support!

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Considering the Adoption of Black Infants

There are more than 400,000 children presently in out-of-home care in the United States. Almost half of these children are Black.

Many Black children remain in foster care or residential care facilities because there are not enough families seeking to adopt them. Black children are expected to remain in foster care 32 percent longer than white children. There remains a need to identify couples and singles to adopt infants at-risk for entering the foster care system.

Father George Clements, an African American priest, who is also an adoptive parent, had a simple concept called One Church, One Child. If every church would support the adoption of at least one child, then Black children would not spend one third of their formative years growing up in the Child Welfare system.

While raising a child within his race and culture is preferred, it is not always possible. Today many prospective adoptive couples and singles are considering transracial adoption. Certainly, no one should enter transracial adoption lightly or adopt transracially because they believe it will expedite an arrival of a baby, as the decision to adopt transracially is a very serious one.

Children should be raised in permanent loving families. If the prospective adoptive applicant indicates they are open to adopting a child outside of the applicant’s race and culture, Adoption STAR will consider the applicant for all children, not just for bi-racial children or children of mixed race. What does this mean? To illustrate the meaning: if a white couple is seeking to adopt transracially they should be open to adopting a child of all races, including a child with two black birth parents, not just an infant whose birth mother may be white and whose birth father may be black.

For more information on the adoption of Black infants or to consider learning more about transracial adoption, please contact Adoption STAR by or email.

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My Real Family

Guest Blogger, Zenobia, Age 13.

Throughout my 13 years of living I have come across many questions such as… “How many real siblings do you have?” or “Do you get along with your real siblings better?” It’s really hurtful sometimes. All of my siblings are my “real” siblings. Who cares if some are black, gay, or have disabilities. They are all real to me. If I ever tell someone I have a gay brother they look at me like…I’m so sorry. My family is a normal family…okay? Yes I do have five adopted siblings, two of them are black and 3 of them have a disability called Down Syndrome. I also have 3 Biological siblings, and including me we have nine kids in the family. No matter what happens or what is said I wouldn’t ever change a thing.

Some people may say, “How do you deal with people who act like this towards you?” I usually just act dumb, I’ll just say, “What do you mean? All of my siblings are real!” Their usual response will be, “You know what I mean.” But, no I don’t know what you mean! So next time you say something, think about it!

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Birth Mother Celebration ’13: A Recap

At this year’s Birth Mother Celebration, my job was to take pictures and speak briefly about what open adoption means to me.

During Adoption STAR’s homestudy classes, facilitators ask prospective adoptive parents to share their “birth” stories, those stories that parents or relatives tell us because we were too young to remember. It’s a good lesson for prospective parents. Children often mature into the stories we tell them, especially stories of their beginnings.

My mother told me the story of a co-worker who moved to Buffalo because she was pregnant and had to hide her pregnancy from her friends and family in her hometown. She told no one the story of her relationship with the baby’s father or her personal circumstances. My mom said it was like she was mute. She delivered her baby girl around the same time my mother delivered me but she placed her baby for adoption. Fast forward a few weeks later and they were both at a party at a mutual friend’s home. My mother left me asleep on a bed. When she came in to check on me, her co-worker was sitting on the bed watching me sleep. She asked if she could hold me. With tears running down her face and her eyes full of grief, she picked me up, cuddled and rocked me.

Back then, adoption happened in a set and prescribed way, regardless of personal needs or feelings. My mom’s co-worker may or may not have been allowed to hold her baby for a few minutes before she was whisked away, never to be seen or heard from again. We’ve come a long way since then. The Birth Parent Celebration tells us just how far the process has evolved.

As the resident photographer, I went from table to table and witnessed very different scenarios than the one my mother shared with me. We have learned and accepted that there are many different ways to be a family: I saw a fashion forward gay couple who dressed their toddler in a frosted green dress to match the streak of green in her birth mother’s hair; one family requested a picture and I couldn’t tell who was and wasn’t genetically related; what I saw was a group of people at ease with each other. And there were the families like mine: the birth parents were a different race from the adoptive parents. I saw moms throw their arms around each other because when you love with everything you have, you see what you share, not what makes you different. A reporter from the Buffalo News snapped a picture of a birth mother and an adoptive mother helping each other put shoes on their son. There was a young adolescent birth couple whose tenderness toward each other and their infant son reminded me of something I would see in a movie; when it was time to feed him, the adoptive mother gently relieved them. Some birth mothers came with children they were raising to meet with families of children they had placed. The siblings played and wrestled and laughed and got to know one another. A birth grandmother met her granddaughter for the first time and cried with relief when she met the adoptive parents. The baby slept comfortably in her arms and her tears were tears of joy. Togetherness, openness and most importantly love has replaced secrecy, loneliness and shame. Open adoption has transformed the process. Birth mothers have courageously, selflessly and with great love changed our understanding of family.

My son’s birth mother hasn’t as yet joined us for this event. I think she likes it better when we meet one on one. Regardless, I will continue to attend with my adopted son Cal (15 months) and my biological son Sam (7 years). Sometime in the future when Sam tells his brother “birth” stories and the Birth Mother Celebration is the topic, I may hear:

“Every year mom and dad dragged us to this lunch even though your NeeNee (Cal’s birth mother) wasn’t there. Mom said it was important because a bunch of families who are just like ours come and we needed to be around that. Turned out, it wasn’t so bad. The pizza and brownies were great.”

And as for the pizza and brownies…thank you to Adoption STAR for hosting this amazing event. I feel fortunate to have found the agency that guides and supports all of us – Adoptees, Birth and Adoptive Parents – throughout our journey. In particular thank you to our Expectant Parent Social Workers Sue Shaw, Alecia Zimmerman along with Party Planner (which is one of her many, many other duties) Kristin Leiby and all those staff members who came out to support this event: Wendy, Senovia, Michael, Lori, Shannon, Rachel, and Meg. And Sue Reardon, great video! Most important, this is your vision, Michele…I am so thankful my family is part of the Adoption STAR landscape.

Birth Mother Celebration ’13

If you would like copies of any of the pictures you see here or on Facebook, please email me Lesa Ferguson at newmedia@adoptionstar.com and I will them as email attachments. Please specify the picture(s) you would like.

A Foster Family’s Story

Lynda is an Adoption STAR adoptive mom in the Western New York area. Currently she and her family are a foster family in the county they live in and are also pursuing an International Adoption.

“Three years ago, we began the foster program in hopes of walking out with a child we could adopt. Our cousins in Ohio went through the foster program, were matched with one family, and walked out adopting 3 children in that family. We loved their experience and hoped to have the same story. Little did we know then what we know now, 3 years and 8 foster children later.

We don’t know what the outcome will be for the baby with us now, just as we couldn’t predict with the ones before her. What we do know is that we are enjoying the reward of a relationship with her now. This on-going relationship with the family is a new arrangement to us, so we are going through some growing pains as we learn how to make it work. It is stretching us as a family, but it is also growing us in some beautiful ways.

As a foster family you learn just how much risk, attachment, personal advocating, and personal sacrificing you are willing to experience for children who may never be yours, but will own a piece of your heart. It is quite an emotional process, and comes with lots of frustrations, concerns, emotions, and risks for you, the foster family. And from our experience, this system and these dedicated social workers certainly deserve medals for their heroic and brave measures to change the futures of these children.

While these last 3 years have not taken us closer to our long-term goal: that of walking out with another permanent family member, but they have certainly taught our family valuable lessons. Some of the lessons we’ve learned are as follows: more compassion; more humility; more flexibility; more awareness that without God’s grace, we are able to fall to levels beyond what we can imagine; with God’s grace, we are able to experience a deeper level of joy that goes beyond the circumstances we are in; more teachable moments as a family because of the situations that have brought the children to our house; what it’s like for our family to serve as a team; more humor, especially in light of showing up to places with a different child each time. We’ve also learned more appreciation for all our family and friends who have helped us meet needs we’ve had with the different children in our home, etc.

As we continue along this journey we will continue to acknowledge the ways it’s brought positive growth in our family and so importantly impacted the life of the child who was part of us for a short time. While, it hasn’t brought us to our initial goal, it has brought us so much more than we could have imagined.

For now, we are in the habit of saying, “Yep, we run a boarding house now. Every week we have new tenants and new vacancies. So, in case you need a room someday, you know who to call.”

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National Nurses Week 2013

Is celebrated annually from May 6, also known as National Nurses Day, through May 12, the birthday of Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing.

Nurses play an essential part in many aspects of the adoption process, especially during the hospital interval. The American Nurses’ Association Code of Ethics with Interpretive Statements (2001) Provision 1 says that, “The Nurse, in all professional relationships, practices with compassion and respect for the inherent dignity, worth and uniqueness of every individual, unrestricted by considerations of social or economic status, personal attributes, or the nature of health problems” (p. 7). However, as anyone can imagine, hospital-based nurses deal with some very distinctive experiences when adoption is a part of a patient’s plan. Suzanne M. Weathers, MSN, RN, and Lead Nurse Planner at Spaulding for Children has written an interesting piece on this subject entitled “The Hospital Interval,” and in it she says, “The challenge for the nursing staff is how to provide care that meets the needs of the members of the adoption triad they have contact with during the interval.”

Having that said, Adoption STAR staff and clients alike have countless stories of compassionate, sensitive, thoughtful nurses. The interactions that nurses have with all members of the adoption triad during labor, delivery, and the postpartum interval prior to discharge from the hospital become a storied part of the adoption experience, in that they are ALWAYS remembered….by all parties involved.

Thank you, nurses! Your kind actions and excellent care mean more than you might realize to many, many adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees. Happy National Nurses Week!

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Surviving Mother’s Day

The month of May can be a very exciting time in our area. Gray skies give way to sunshine and each day brings new beauty as flowers begin to break through after a long cold winter. Buds on trees seem to blossom before your eyes and mornings are announced with the songs of birds returning home. It feels fresh; like a new beginning.

But for a few, May is not so beautiful. Not so celebrated. Not so welcomed. Because May brings “that day”. The day that reminds you of the things you do not have. Maybe the one thing you want more than anything else. The day in which you would rather lie in bed than go to church where ministers will certainly preach their predicable messages. The day where, though you love the mothers in your life, staying home would just be easier.

Whether you have lost your mom, lost your child, placed your child or simply don’t yet have your child, we realize that Mother’s Day may be difficult for many. As we celebrate the mothers and children in our lives, we at Adoption STAR grieve with those who are hurting. Please know you are not forgotten. Give yourself permission to feel and forgive yourself if you can’t participate in some of the events that come with Mother’s Day. Give yourself the day, or even the week, to mourn. Then get back up.

And if you find yourself in a good place this Mother’s Day, please reach out to someone who might be hurting. You may be surprised to learn how far a simple gesture and a little compassion can go.

My Baby, Not My Child

A photographer and University of Iowa student chronicled her journey all the way from conception through delivery in this beautiful story of an expectant mother who believes, “this is my baby, but not my child.”

Stories such as these are not only touching but so very important as it is only more recently, especially because of open adoption that birth parents feel comfortable sharing their experiences. Without their permission to share a glimpse of their journey, we would not be able to understand the best interests of children.

For more stories written by birth mothers, visit:

Birth Mother Stories

Dealing With An Unexpected Pregnancy ~ two stories

C’s Adoption Story

Jenn’s Story

Saturday May 11, 2013, 12:00 pm – 2:00 pm
Getzville Fire Department, 630 Dodge Road, Getzville, NY 14068
Every year, the day before Mother’s Day is Birth Mother’s Day. It is nationally recognized but rarely will you find anyone celebrating it. This is why Adoption STAR hosts an Annual Birth Mother’s Day Celebration and Luncheon, inviting the entire community to attend this important event where we celebrate birth mother’s day with those women who made the brave decision to make an adoption plan for their child. For more information and to RSVP please email the agency at info@adoptionstar.com or call (716)639-3900.

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16 and pregnant

Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra, who were the teens featured in 16 and Pregnant an MTV show, are now 21 and have been together almost nine years, and at a recent event where they were asked to speak about their experiences they said women who have unplanned pregnancies should get involved with an adoption agency, even if they aren’t choosing adoption. Agencies can provide resources like counseling and safe-sleep classes, Lowell said.

The couple continues to speak positively about adoption and feel more pregnant teens should consider the option. They are big proponents of Open Adoption.

MTV stars visit University to talk adoption.

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Adopting as a Larger Sized Family

After raising eight children (one biological and seven adopted) to adulthood, and fostering over 20 more, I met my wonderful husband Mark. Not only did Mark embrace all of my children, but he also shared in my desire to parent even more. Mark and I would later adopt three more children through private agencies and welcome two more biological children as well.

As you can imagine, we often get questions asking why we would take on so many children and our answer is always the same, “Why not?” We have plenty of room in our home and lots of love in our hearts to raise more children, so why wouldn’t we. Being parents is the most important thing to us, regardless of how our children come to be part of our family. We have the same joys and trials as many typical families do.

Considering that two of our younger children have special needs, another question I am sometimes asked is “how” we do it. And, that too, is pretty simple. Our aim is to raise our children to the best of our ability and for them to do the best they can with the capabilities they possess. We prefer to say capabilities rather than disabilities. Each child is uniquely wired, so raising them “the same but differently” is a must. I know that sounds confusing but it means treating them equally yet managing their needs differently. As in any family, what works for one child may not work for another, and we recognize this. Some of our children have been easy going and strive to succeed. Others test us every minute of the day and seem to want to learn the hard way or no way at all! Of course adopting children that have been in foster care is sometimes more challenging because they come with extra struggles. And although the teen years have proven to be especially challenging, we know that they all grow too quickly and there is light at the end of every tunnel.

Another way we manage, is by making the commitment for me to be home with our children. By having a stay at home mother, we avoid the added strain and financial burden of finding good childcare. Mark’s work schedule allows him to be home from work each day at about 11:30 am and he is always willing and able to lend a hand, whether at lunchtime, or other times throughout the day. His schedule also provides the flexibility needed to attend doctor visits and any special appointments that our children with special needs may have.

We have learned many things through the years as our family has grown. One thing we do to make life easier is to PLAN AHEAD. For instance getting out necessary items such as clothing, lunches, school supplies and whatever else might be needed for the next day. That definitely reduces time (and stress) when morning arrives. Each evening, when everyone is settled down, I also get out diapers and make any bottles that may be needed during the night. Although planning ahead is essential, it’s equally important to be prepared for sudden changes along the way!

Since we have two children with special needs, we are actively involved with Early Intervention Services. Every weekday there are service providers that come into our home at different times to provide therapy sessions. It has been a great help to us as we learn new ways to teach our children. During these times, if they are working with one of our little ones, I spend special time with the other child. Also when one is napping, or involved in another activity, I take that time to play with the other child.

Our two school-aged children currently attend a private Christian school. We home schooled our children for 7 years, which we really enjoyed. During that time we were able to devote special times to each of them doing things they enjoyed. They were involved in church groups, piano lessons, 4-H, scout groups, summer soccer, etc. When we were preparing to adopt our son we knew he was going to need open-heart surgery, so we decided to enroll our older children in school to allow us time to prepare for his arrival. This allowed us extra time with the younger ones and gave the older children time to adjust and have a new schooling experience and it seems to be a really good fit for everyone.

The older children have responsibilities around the house, such as taking care of the many pets we have, drying dishes and doing extra things when needed. We have always believed that if you choose to have a large family, it is the parents’ responsibility to be in charge of the children and most of the household work. We do believe that the children should be taught some responsibilities as they grow and mature. However, they should be allowed to be children, as they grow up so fast already.

We have a large, six bedroom home with ample space and a lot of land. We have a play yard, pool, trampoline and playhouse so there is never a shortage of things to do. We also have gardens in
which we grow a lot of our own food for home processing. This provides for some wonderful family times and greatly reduces our food bill. We also raise livestock that provide us with meat that is healthier than store bought products. Being as self-sufficient as we can, helps afford us the ability to provide for such a growing family.

We have also learned to make time for ourselves and make sure to get sitters occasionally so that we can fit in date nights whenever possible. Our families are a great support to us when we need it. They have helped during times when our children required hospitalizations. Our church has also been a blessing during those times by supplying meals for us, and helping in other ways. We are very active in our church activities and believe it has been a good foundation for our children.

When asked to share our experience of being part of a large family, I was delighted. What was more difficult for me was when asked about overcoming some the challenges. For us, having a large family is not a challenge. It is our calling and we feel fully equipped for the task. We know that every child in our family was given to us for a reason. If we had given up early on, we would not have our children. Adoption is real love in action, and is a way of life for us. And although parenting comes natural to us, adopting can be likened to running a race. In order to reach the finish line you must run the course, no matter how long it takes. And as you might imagine, we don’t feel we have quite reached that finish line yet!

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