Letter from a Birth Parent to an Adoptive Parent

kathy crissey
By Adoption STAR’s Director of Adoption Kathy Crissey

Adoption STAR’s Director of Adoption Kathy Crissey relies on her years of adoption experience to write a letter from the perspective of a Birth Parent.

I am going through a time in my life that is the probably the most difficult time I have ever gone through. I feel alone and I feel judged by everyone around me. I so desperately want to parent this baby I am carrying, but I know in my heart that I cannot give this baby everything I want to. I already feel the pain of having to say goodbye and can’t begin to imagine what it will be like when I really have to. I lay awake at night and wonder what this baby will look like. I feel this baby kicking inside of me and I feel like I will be losing a part of myself. I am sad and scared and I don’t think anyone can understand what I am going through. Will my baby hate me because I placed her? Will she ever know how much I love her and that this love will never go away?

I have already picked you out to be my baby’s adoptive parent(s). I am meeting you in a few weeks for the first time. I am nervous and worried that you won’t like me. I am scared that you will think I am a bad person. I don’t have my life together and how will you feel about that? I so desperately want you to know that every day I am pregnant is one more day that I get to have this baby with me. I want you to know that I need to be the one to make decisions about the baby for as long as I can. It is important for me to know what your hopes are and how you will take care of my baby. I want you at the hospital, but I also want you to know that I won’t know until I am there how much time I want to spend with you. I want you to know that I need to be the one to decide if the baby will be with you, or with me, or with all of us together. I need to decide when I want you to hold the baby or feed the baby. I will try to share this time with you but I need you to remember that these few days are the only days I will have with this baby and I need to be able to hug and kiss her and tell her over and over how much I love her. It might be really hard for me to tell you how I am feeling, so I might have a hard time asking for what I need. I might change my mind from hour to hour. I want to see you excited and to know that you will love this baby as much as I do, but that might be hard also. Mostly, I want you to tell this baby how much I love her and that I want to remain a part of her life.

I am scared that you will not send me the photos and letters I have asked for, and that you won’t follow through with my two visits a year. I will not be bothering you and I will not intrude on your life, but I need to know that you will do what you said you would. I need to make this decision based upon what has been promised to me and I will regret this decision if you do not follow through. I believe it is in my baby’s best interest to have all of us in her life, and that is why I want an open adoption. I could not place my baby if it were not for that. I am scared, I am lonely, and I am placing my trust in people I don’t really know. It is the hardest thing I have ever done….